This is a challenging time, but grief is normal to experience. Grief is not something you can fix, but a stage of life where children need you to walk along beside them. The best things you can do are be present and be patient.
Have you noticed your child going through some unexpected changes since the passing of their loved one? Everyone at some point in their life will experience some form of loss, whether it be the loss of a parent, a grandparent, a mentor, a pet, or a friend. While it can be extremely challenging for adults to go through the grieving process, it can be even more challenging for children who at such a young age haven’t really grasped the concept of death yet. The grieving process looks different for everyone, but while you may be trying to manage your own grief at the same time, children often experience aggression, depression or anxiety, sleep disturbances, and mood swings when they are dealing with a loss.
Grief Comes with a Variety of Changes
Grief is NOT a disorder, a disease or sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.
"
"
- Earl Grollman
References:
Bugge, K. E., Darbyshire, P., Røkholt, E. G., Sulheim Haugstvedt, K. T., & Helseth, S. (2014). Young children’s grief: Parents’ understanding and coping. Death Studies, 38(1), 36-43. doi:10.1080/07481187.2012.718037
Haine, R. A., Wolchik, S. A., Sandler, I. N., Millsap, R. E., & Ayers, T. S. (2006). Positive parenting as a protective resource for parentally bereaved children. Death Studies, 30(1), 1-28. doi:10.1080/07481180500348639
Saldinger, A., Porterfiled, K., & Cain, A. C. (2004). Meeting the needs of parentally bereaved children: A framework for child-centered parenting. Psychiatry: Interpersonal & Biological Processes, 67(4), 331-352.
What Can You Do To Help?
Tell children about the death. The more children know, the better they are able to process what is going on. Communicating is a huge factor that can reduce anxiety, depression, and behavior problems as well as promote positive parenting.
​
Pay attention. Often, we think that children don't understand what's going on. However, children pick up more than you think. They can sense when you are upset or angry and often mirror your emotions. Pay attention to yourself and your actions because how you act directly affects your children's behavior.
​
Use a positive, uplifting tone of voice. Research has shown that using a positive tone of voice when you talk reduces behavior problems and creates more child-focused parenting.
​
Don't be afraid to talk about the loved one. Continuing to talk about the deceased provides comfort, coping, and acceptance for children. By making the deceased a positive part of everyday life, children begin to accept what happened, move on, and remember their loved one in a healthy way.
​
Make memories. Participating in meaning making is a healthy coping mechanism for children dealing with a loss. Some ideas include to look at pictures, celebrate birthdays, and make regular visits to the gravesite.
​
Maintain a routine. Keeping routines and stability are crucial for young children. While there are often many changes occurring in a child's life during this time, a stable environment lets the child know that you have things under control and that they don't have to worry about the day to day part of their life.
​
​
